I believe I can fly...

So I'm on a plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up sometime in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? C'mon, there's no cops up here, nail it. Give it some gas! We're flying!

The reason why my flight was delayed was that they were not able to shut the door of the aircraft. Well... that sounds like some pretty serious screw-up, especially if you consider the same aircraft had landed from another destination 10 mins back and was there for less than half an hour halt! What happened in those 10 mins? A door which was perfectly okay to stand the test at 31000 feet now seems to have failed at ground level! Interesting...

I wonder if there are keys to the plane? Do they need keys to start the plane? Maybe that's what those delays on the ground are sometimes. When you're just sitting there at the gate, maybe the pilot's just up there in the cockpit going "Oh, I don't believe this. Oh my god... I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical, because they don't want to come on the PA system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a little while, I uh...Oh God, this is so embarrassing...I - I left the keys to the plane in my apartment." You see the technicians all running underneath the plane; you think they're servicing it, but they're actually looking for the magnet "hide-a-key" under the wing..."maybe he left it up there somewhere..."

Do you think that the people at the airport that run the stores have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? Or do you think they just feel they have their own little country out there and they can charge anything they want? Now because of the "you-cant-carry-liquids" rule almost everyone is forced to buy water or water equivalent after the security check. The price of water makes feeling thirsty was a crime! You don't like it; go back to your own country. I think the whole airport airline complex is a huge scam just to sell the bottled water. I think that profit is what's supporting the whole air travel industry. I mean think about it; the terminals,the airplanes, it's all just a distraction so that you don't notice the beating that you're taking on the bottled water.

The seat which I got on the flight was, not unexpectedly, next to a guy who most definitely had a fish hook caught in his throat. For a solid 2 hours, he kept making that hauwking sound that you normally associate with the act of chucking up a big loogie, but - and here's the mystery - that's as far as he went.I can only pray that he was coming up dry, because the alternative is not something I wish to contemplate. The other wonderful thing about this flight was the 60-year old steward who somehow managed to be extremely chipper and upbeat at 4:30am. I wanted to kill him. He was clearly at the very pinnacle of a 2-case Red Bull bender. He was cracking extremely corny jokes to an audience of stone-faced killers (i.e., us).

He didn't understand that the reason nobody laughed is because
(a) he wasn't very funny,
(b) Hello? It was 4:30 am, and
(c) everyone on board was trying to figure out a way to shove his cheerful, shiny little head out one of those little round windows without depressurizing the cabin.

Here's an example: "As long as we're moving on the ground, you'll want to keep your seat belts fastened. While the guys up front are excellent pilots, I'm not sure how good they are at driving." "If you do leave something on the plane that is extremely valuable, don't worry. I'll turn it in for you. You can pick it up at Rico's Pawn shop, on the corner of West Avenue and Madison." You almost expected him to say, "Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm here all week, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitresses."

He made my bone marrow hurt. Perhaps it would have been mildy amusing if I had been wide awake and in a good mood, but when you're working on 4 hours sleep, no coffee and no breakfast it gets old really, really fast. Also keep in mind that I gave you his BEST material.

This was not exactly the end I was hoping for one of the best outings I had for a really long time but then I did need something to get me back to reality! Sigh... The vacation's over...

Cheers!