Happy New Year

Dont you think we've all been robbed? I mean... seriously, seriously, seriously robbed!!

It's going to be 2008 in a few hours and look around; It's nothing like what they had showed us. I loved all those space movies and TV shows. All of them were set in the year 2000-something and we had all kinds of gadgets, robots doing chores, flying cars etc... We were promised all that. They had made us dream of that world.

We even had machine versus human wars!! I mean can you beat that?? We're just about lucky if all our really pathetically primary instruments get through the day without a glitch. I'm really disappointed with the whole way in which this 21st century has come off so far. Not even one thing's been upto the mark. Lets forget about time travel, journey at the speed of light, light sabres and things like that. We haven't even got those video units available at public phones a la Total Recall.

We get all excited because NASA found some bacterial excreta frozen in space and time some quad-zillion years ago. What happened to all those bad guys we were supposed to fight for the survival of earth?? We can't even reach the stupid Mars which according to me never had life and will never have life. Out of billions of planets in the universe what are the odds of two adjacent planets having life? This is Grade 8 probability!! So my hopes to meet aliens too have been dashed...

But I had some issues with the fashion industry of the future. I mean what happens between the 70s-80s and 2000-something that everyone seems to be wearing those tight gray suits with a colored 'V' depending on your position in society. Probably the fashion designers were all killed by an irritated robot or something but what happened to all the clothes which normal people wear? That was the only thing, I dreaded about the future.

The Starship Enterprise was my ideal living room. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control.. that's why Star Trek really was the ultimate fantasy. Just hurling through space in your living room, watching TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because they were the only one that had a big screen. Friday night game... gotta be there!!

So that is what I'm wishing for, like every year, this new year's. I want all those sci-fi stuff we'd been shown to come into existence and quick!

Happy New Year to you all...
Cheers!

I believe I can fly...

So I'm on a plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up sometime in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? C'mon, there's no cops up here, nail it. Give it some gas! We're flying!

The reason why my flight was delayed was that they were not able to shut the door of the aircraft. Well... that sounds like some pretty serious screw-up, especially if you consider the same aircraft had landed from another destination 10 mins back and was there for less than half an hour halt! What happened in those 10 mins? A door which was perfectly okay to stand the test at 31000 feet now seems to have failed at ground level! Interesting...

I wonder if there are keys to the plane? Do they need keys to start the plane? Maybe that's what those delays on the ground are sometimes. When you're just sitting there at the gate, maybe the pilot's just up there in the cockpit going "Oh, I don't believe this. Oh my god... I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical, because they don't want to come on the PA system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a little while, I uh...Oh God, this is so embarrassing...I - I left the keys to the plane in my apartment." You see the technicians all running underneath the plane; you think they're servicing it, but they're actually looking for the magnet "hide-a-key" under the wing..."maybe he left it up there somewhere..."

Do you think that the people at the airport that run the stores have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world? Or do you think they just feel they have their own little country out there and they can charge anything they want? Now because of the "you-cant-carry-liquids" rule almost everyone is forced to buy water or water equivalent after the security check. The price of water makes feeling thirsty was a crime! You don't like it; go back to your own country. I think the whole airport airline complex is a huge scam just to sell the bottled water. I think that profit is what's supporting the whole air travel industry. I mean think about it; the terminals,the airplanes, it's all just a distraction so that you don't notice the beating that you're taking on the bottled water.

The seat which I got on the flight was, not unexpectedly, next to a guy who most definitely had a fish hook caught in his throat. For a solid 2 hours, he kept making that hauwking sound that you normally associate with the act of chucking up a big loogie, but - and here's the mystery - that's as far as he went.I can only pray that he was coming up dry, because the alternative is not something I wish to contemplate. The other wonderful thing about this flight was the 60-year old steward who somehow managed to be extremely chipper and upbeat at 4:30am. I wanted to kill him. He was clearly at the very pinnacle of a 2-case Red Bull bender. He was cracking extremely corny jokes to an audience of stone-faced killers (i.e., us).

He didn't understand that the reason nobody laughed is because
(a) he wasn't very funny,
(b) Hello? It was 4:30 am, and
(c) everyone on board was trying to figure out a way to shove his cheerful, shiny little head out one of those little round windows without depressurizing the cabin.

Here's an example: "As long as we're moving on the ground, you'll want to keep your seat belts fastened. While the guys up front are excellent pilots, I'm not sure how good they are at driving." "If you do leave something on the plane that is extremely valuable, don't worry. I'll turn it in for you. You can pick it up at Rico's Pawn shop, on the corner of West Avenue and Madison." You almost expected him to say, "Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm here all week, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitresses."

He made my bone marrow hurt. Perhaps it would have been mildy amusing if I had been wide awake and in a good mood, but when you're working on 4 hours sleep, no coffee and no breakfast it gets old really, really fast. Also keep in mind that I gave you his BEST material.

This was not exactly the end I was hoping for one of the best outings I had for a really long time but then I did need something to get me back to reality! Sigh... The vacation's over...

Cheers!

Bulk Purchase

In a Pani-Puri manufacturing facility which also had a retail outlet.

Lady: What is the cost of Pani Puris?
Seller: $5 per bag of 50 Puris.
Lady: What if I buy in bulk?
Seller: The rate stays the same.
Lady: What if I buy 100 Puris.
Seller: We'll give you two bags.
Lady: I'll need to make a call in that case.

Comments:
This may be a "you-have-to-be-there-to-understand" type of humour. So some of you wont find this that amusing.

Those who were fortunate enough to witness this incident were in splits with the stone faced reply the seller gave to the 100-Puri query. First of all 100 is not bulk for someone whose a manufacturer-retailer. But the effectiveness of the answer could be seen at the way the woman was stunned at that reply.

And I'm not sure why she had to tell the seller that she had to make a call. I understand she wanted some sort of a "go-ahead" from someone who had asked her to get the Puris, if they were above a certain limit. But she made it sound like a threat! Something like... Now you're going to be in trouble!!

Our purchase was done and had to leave the scene, but I would've loved to see the end of this conversation!

Cheers!

Coffee Break!

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A conversation between my friend, X and Me.

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Me: Probably it would be better if you try Starbucks next time!
X: May be I will... That is a good place! I've always had this soft corner for them. But that's not the point... This is unacceptable. What would you have done in such a situation?
Me: Do you even understand the situation? It would've been easy to accept the final outcome with any other, any god damn reasoning but this beats me. I'm speechless... You know what, may be that was just a code of some sort. Inspired by some spy story. They say activity A but it really means performing activity B.

X: I don't think there's much of a code left once you've said activity A and performed it as well... We did have a little bit of activity B but then this overshadows everything!
Me: Well... Happens! Want some coffee?

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15 minutes earlier
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Me: What's wrong? You're looking awful!
X: Ah! forget it... Nothing great.
Me: I don't think so... What happened?
X: It's complicated.
Me: That's even better, man! I would love to hear it then.

X: Give me something to eat... I need a change of taste!! My taste buds have been tortured to death some time back...

Me: Ah!

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15 minutes earlier
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X: I don't think we should see each other any more.

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15 minutes earlier
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Y: You want coffee? I'll make it!
X: Sure! You know where the kitchen is?

Coffee arrives & X takes the first sip.

X: (Thinking) Yikes!! What the hell is this??!! This is the the the worst coffee of all time. This is just coffee beans and boiling water. May be I should ask if she mixed up the recipes for an Ayurvedic cough syrup & coffee. I can drink the worst tasting drinks in this world but today we've a new and undisputed champion! Oh boy! Are we in trouble now... I wish she goes some out of the room, I can just pour this somewhere. I cannot be with a girl who makes this bad coffee. I'll probably be found dead some day and the cause of death would be caffeine poisoning... No chance of drinking this coffee again!

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A true story!

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Cheers!

A Lazy Day

When there's a snow blizzard outside there are only a few things that you can do staying indoors. Talk/chat with friends, play something indoors, watch television. I did all that this weekend.

Out of those, Television is something that really completes life. The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face?

There are some really irritating things on television, Commercials for example. Not as a concept but the way they're put forth and the plastic people that exist in it. I mean where do you find these samples from?

Infact, some people have a little too much fun in commercials: the soft drinks people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? "We have pepsi, we have coke, we have blah blah boo", jumping, laughing, flying through the air - it's just a can of stupid soft drink. It's just carbon di oxide pumped into colored, flavored liquid. Again I'm not against soft drinks but the commercials hurt!

Have you ever been standing and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising right there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing here - "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."

The only thing that actually makes watching television worthwhile is this thing called the La-Z-Boy. This is very flattering to the prospective customer, isn't it? Why don't we just call it the 'half-conscious deadbeat with no job, home all day, eating Cheetos and watching TV' recliner? It goes back so far, that thing...I mean, it's like, 'Go to bed already! Whatever you were watching is over!

Cheers!